


Broken

by AnneGee



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Attraction, Blood and Injury, Complicated Relationships, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Human disaster apprentice, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, Insecurity, Jealousy, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury, Male Pronouns for Asra (The Arcana), Manipulative Asra, Manipulative Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, NSFW Art, Neck Kissing, Oral Sex, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, References to Depression, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Sad and Happy, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex, Sexual Tension, Skinny Dipping, Submissive Julian Devorak, Swimming, Teasing, True Love, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25001308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneGee/pseuds/AnneGee
Summary: Saghira’s heart skipped a beat. It felt both scary and exciting, and scariest of all was the explosive sensation in her abdomen. For gods sake, how could she be this indecisive? Did she, or did she not want Julian’s attention? Why did she feel threatened again? And yet, she was undoubtedly turned on by the thought of Julian’s gorgeous, naked body approaching her.Explicit sexual content in the last chapter.
Relationships: Apprentice & Julian Devorak, Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Julian Devorak/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The most self-biographical I’ve ever been, as I’m going through therapy for my own messed up issues. Be prepared to be annoyed with MC...

“Please, sweetest Saghira!”

Julian was slightly swaying in front of her, his large hands comically praying for her to give in to his pathetic attempt at persuasion.

Saghira, unimpressed and stubborn as usual, held his drunken gaze. “I’m not dancing with you, Juli, and you bloody well know it.”

“But why, Saghira? I could have my pick of any beautiful lady in this room,” Julian beaconed his arm out towards the general clientele of the Rowdy Raven, “but all I ask is that you to treat me with one, just ONE, dance.”

He held up a finger to make his humble point, and pulled the most innocent face he could manufacture.

Saghira tried hard to keep a straight face.

“You know just as well as I that, first of all: There are no “ladies” in this filthy tavern, and secondly: I’m not a dancer and I’m certainly not treating _you_ with any demonstration of my misfortunes in life.”

Portia snorted and smacked the table in front of them in endorsement. Asra sat at Saghira’s right side with his back halfway turned against Julian, stirring his drink, refusing to witness his friend make an utter fool of himself. Saghira could spot a tiny smile forming at the corner of his mouth, though.

“You’re breaking my heart, Saghira,” Julian complained weakly. “Pasha?” He reached out a hand to his sister, and Portia grabbed it eagerly.

“O’ brother! And of allll the beautiful women...?” Portia dramatically touched her own chest, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

They both laughed, leaving Asra and Saghira behind in favour of the dance floor.

“He likes you,” Asra commented in a dull voice as the siblings got out of ears’ reach.

“Well, as flattering as that may be, he can try all he wants. I’m not falling for his silly games. I refuse to be one of his gullible, on-and-off ‘girlfriends’.” 

Saghira admired the undoubtedly beautiful and charming pair of siblings dancing energetically and flawless, realising that she probably had turned him down a little harshly. Julian loved to dance, and he probably hadn’t planned on anything besides a bit of fun. Still, better safe than sorry.

Asra shifted in his seat. “Of course you won’t be.” He smiled his affectionate, dimpled smile, and raised his glass to her.

It was enough to smooth out her tiny bit of bad conscience. Asra had known Julian longer than she had, even before her memory loss, and although he hadn’t put the exact reason into words, he seemed to approve of her steadfast attitude towards Julian’s flirtatious approaches. Surly that had to mean something.

“But you‘ll have to put up with his persistence. He’s not giving up easily, you know. Especially not when he meets resistance,” Asra teased, still evidently a little amused by his friends’ little game of cat-and-mouse.

Saghira rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Men! I won’t even try to figure out how your minds work.”

She drank the rest of her ale, and offered Asra a refill. 

On her way to the bar, she observed from the corner of her eye Julian breaking loose from his dancing partner to pursue her to the bar, and she sighed internally.

“Hira, my little warrior!” Julian was breathing heavily from exhaustion, his curly fringe was slightly moist, and he drew a hand through it to get it off his face, revealing the black leather eyepatch he always wore. A broad grin spread on his face. “Let me get this round.”

“Alright. Thank you.” Saghira gave him a wry smile in return.

“But stay here with me, if you please. I could use a couple of hands.” He looked concerned at her. “For carrying drinks, you know.”

Saghira sniggered. “By all means.”

Julian didn’t seem to be in a hurry ordering the drinks though.

“Listen, sweetheart,” he continued, towering over her petite form, his back still against the bar. “I really, really... really, want you... to... you know... like me! Somehow I feel like we’ve... not gotten off on the wrong foot, exactly, but...”

Saghira interrupted him. “I think the barkeep is ready to take your order, Julian.”

“No, please listen for a sec, Hira. I... I usually go along reasonably well with most people, when they’re not trying to have me hanged that is, but...”

Saghira gave him an eye roll and laughed out loud.

“No, seriously! Listen!” He smiled, drew a big breath and lifted a gloved hand to her face. “I... like you! A lot.” His already flustered face somehow managed to pick up an even deeper shade of pink. “I’ve always thought very highly of you, and...My goodness, why wouldn’t I? You’re... brilliant! As I’m sure you know. I... I just hope you at least consider me a close friend. I certainly think of you as my friend, and...”

He touched her shoulder really carefully, as if to test her boundaries. 

“... I would just love to get to know you better. That’s all.” The usual playfulness seemed gone, and he tried to appear sincere despite his hopeless fumbling and slight drunkenness.

“You know me, Julian.” She shrugged, and he instinctively let go of her shoulder. “Frankly, this is probably all there is to know. I mean I don’t even know myself that well. All I know is what Asra taught me.”

“Asra?” Julian narrowed his eyes at her, signalling his obvious disapproval with an arched brow. “Ahhh, Asra, is such a know-it-all. Please do me a favour, Hira.” He lowered his voice, and bent down to her ear, gracing her cheekbone. She could smell the scent of musk, leather and alcohol on him. “Do not listen to everything that guy has to say, or you will miss out on a lot of fun in life.” He kept his face close to hers, looking questingly into her eyes.

“Yeah, I think I know your idea of fun, Julian, and come to speak of it, how about those drinks?” Saghira set her most innocent eyes on him.

Julian looked a little off track, before turning his head towards the bar, and back again.

“Right,” he mumbled with a hint of disappointed. “I’ll get to that. Just... Please, give me a chance to know you, Hira. I’m not...” He looked a little tired and defeated. “Never mind...”

Then he finally turned and ordered, before they returned with all the drinks to their booth in silence. Again Saghira was bothered by a nagging internal voice criticising her judgmental and cynical behaviour. Of course Julian was a friend! Of course she liked him. Everyone liked him. How could he think any differently? She just wouldn’t have those words put into her mouth. She wouldn’t stand being manipulated.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a Sunday, not too long after the meet-up at the Raven, and Saghira woke up alone in bed to sunshine through the window and a deep muffled voice from the kitchen. Asra was having a visitor. After shifting in bed Saghira recognised the visitor’s voice as Julian’s. A rare occasion in other words. 

Julian hadn’t visited since that time she had caught him snooping around the shop after opening hours. Before the ordeal with Count Lucio and the Devil, when she came to think of it. Back then Julian had claimed he’d only dropped by to see if she was in, but she knew better than that. Fuck, he had even admitted to having locked himself in with a key – supposedly given to him by Asra back in the day. As if Asra would ever have trusted him with a key!

No, that incidence didn’t make much sense. Asra had always warned her about Julian, to not get too trustful or attached to him, or he most likely would take advantage of her in some way. Sometimes little hints from Asra would tell her Julian probably already mistreated or disrespected her severely at some point, before her memory loss. At least he must had done something to her to get on the wrong side of Asra. The boys had settled their differences recently, though. She didn’t really want to know what had happened all those years ago. Julian, like her, had no recollection of those forgotten years either, so she couldn’t hold him accountable anyway.

But no need to repeat mistakes. The occasional, almost disabling, headaches when asking Asra about hers and Julian’s history was a strong enough indicator she probably shouldn’t go there at all. It was better to keep her guard up and Julian’s ego in check.

Despite all this precaution she truly enjoyed Julian’s company. He was incredibly charming, funny, cheerful and attentive. Along with his stunning looks and impressive physique, he could be dreadfully attractive, which was Asra’s exact point of course. It seemed hard to spot the difference between the manipulative, self-centred Julian, and the purely innocent, happy-go-lucky, sociable, impulsive fool.

Saghira jumped out of bed, and slid into one of Asra’s shirts before heading into the kitchen.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Julian welcomed her as she entered the room.

“Good morning, Juli.” She smiled, and rubbed her eyes with heel of her palm. She went over to Asra and ruffled his fluffy, white curls as she passed him by, Julian’s expectant eye followed her closely across the room.

“Do we have coffee?” she asked.

Julian got up in a split second and held out a chair beside him. “Is the Count an expired piece of shit? Of course we do! Why don’t you sit down, love, and I’ll bring you some?”

“Oh, you... perfect... gentleman, you,” she joked sarcastically. “No, I’m okay. Please sit.” 

She poured herself coffee, and sat down beside Asra.

“So what are our plans this morning?”

Julian cast a glance at the clock on the wall, probably holding back a smart remark. He was known for being up early and to him it was probably midday already.

“Ilya here, is wondering if we would like to join him for a tour with the Palace’s horses and carriage. He wants to go south to see some of the pearl beaches inside Zephyr Bay.” Asra’s pretty, golden brown pokerface didn’t tell her anything besides the facts.

Julian seemed uneasy, judging from the tint of his face perhaps even embarrassed, and although Saghira was about to reject the idea immediately due to their late departure, an unexpected sympathy for Julian came over her.

Her eyes darted between the two men. At least Asra didn’t seem to mind the idea. “I guess we don’t have any other plans? I could get myself ready in 30 minutes while you pack a picnic basket for us.”

The idea of visiting the pearl beaches instantly grew on her. The weather was warm, and feeling the sea breeze, tasting the salty air, maybe even going for a refreshing swim – those thoughts suddenly gave her a childish jolt of excitement. She looked at Julian’s beaming face. “What a great idea, Julian! Thank you for inviting us.” 

Julian looked bashful and pleased down on his folded hands and then back up at her, his one visible silver eye going dark, his mouth twitching with withheld excitement. “Pleasure is all mine.”


	3. Chapter 3

The trip out to the countryside had been surprisingly pleasant and interesting. Asra could sometimes be a little awkward and silent around Julian, but Julian had luckily talked for all three of them. He knew so much history from all the places they had passed, and he told them so vividly and entertaining, before Saghira knew it they had reached their destination, and all in excellent mood. 

Stepping out of the carriage, the exotic nature only added to the splendour. The colours were absolutely breathtaking, like she had entered a fairytale. The warm breeze caught her thick dark hair and delicate summer dress, and wrapped her body in it. The deserted pearl beach reflected a whole spectrum of pastels. The sea was minty green, with white ripples and just the strong, fresh smell from it, mixed with eucalyptus, made Saghira long, almost ache with melancholy, for... something. Perhaps just travelling more, discovering more, remembering more. It was like she was close to falling in love without having the faintest clue with what or whom. Just a strong sense that something good was about to arrive, something she had once lost, but now was about to return to her and fill the void.

“Have you been here before?” It was Julian who asked. He was looking disturbingly intense at her.

“Nah, I’ve... No, you know what, I probably have! It’s like I remember this, but I also know I haven’t seen anything like it!” Saghira looked around and felt highly emotional and excited by her own realisation. She beamed back at Julian, and felt so grateful he had brought her here, she almost jumped up and tackle hugged him. Except he was Julian. Not the best subject to feed romantic ideas into, perhaps.

“Thank you for this, Julian,” Saghira almost whispered, smile on her face, tears in her eyes, lump in her throat. She laughed nervously, fanning her face with one hand to dry her eyes. “It’s astonishingly beautiful. Just otherworldly.”

“Aw, I’m so pleased you think so. I kind of feel the same coming here, you know.” Julian flashed his white teeth in a big grin and looked at her with anticipation, and it instantly sobered her up. Was he getting ideas about the two of them again? Was he trying to figure out a common ground for him to construct something on? Gosh, was this whole excursion just a well planned trap to lure her into?

She avoided fuelling the conversation any further by shunning a reply, turning away from him to catch up with Asra instead.

Asra had made a deal with the coachman, sent the man off with the carriage, and picked up all their baggage to bring down to the seashore. 

She jumped up and grabbed Asra by the arm, almost to secure herself to him, the anchor.

“Are you happy, Hira?” Asra smiled at her. 

“Oh, I’m beyond happy! I’m so thrilled we’ve come here!” She hugged Asra’s shoulder and squeezed his lean, tanned bicep, feeling a sting of guilt thinking about what Julian’s face probably looked like behind them. She didn’t dare turn to have a look. Had she perhaps hurt his feelings again? Did she literally transform into a bitch every time she was around him? It certainly felt that way.

As they got settled for their picnic, she finally dared to look at Julian’s face again, and she was relieved to see him apparently calm and easy. He had stopped talking, but looked like he was in a good place. As he stripped off his eyepatch, gloves, boots and jacket, and stretched out on his elbows, long-limbed, his feet crossed and his shirt open, squinting across the sea, he practically looked godlike. Saghira couldn’t help but admire his perfect profile; his distinguished, curved nose, his high cheekbones, his defined jawline and pointy chin, his thick, dark perfectly shaped brows knitted over long, thick, black eyelashes. And that impressive mane of wavy, auburn hair! She could see his nape had gotten moist in the heat, and she suddenly imagined her fingers running through his wet neck hairs.

Goodness gratuitous... Enough fantasising. Okay, so Julian looked irresistible, but she knew him all too well, and by god did he know it too. She still suspected he planned to seduce her at any moment, and she would need to pull herself together if she was to avoid falling for it. She blamed her temporary weakness on the wine they’d been drinking since they left home.

Asra didn’t bother wasting time eating. As soon as he had finished his glass of wine he got up, pulled off his shirt, pulled down his pants, and ran naked into the sea. He threw himself into the salty water and simply laid down on his back to float off like a piece of cork.

“Well, will you look at that child of nature...,” Julian snorted.

Saghira laughed. “He’s never been shy. I’ll give him that.” She absentmindedly grabbed a handful of tiny, uneven but smooth pearls to let them run through her fingers. Gosh, could she be any more at peace than this?

“You want more wine?” Julian held the bottle up to her, and she let go of the pearls, grabbed the bottle by its neck with a mischievous smile, and emptied it in front of him.

Julian grinned and rolled over on his side facing her, his head supported by one arm, his mismatched eyes filled with playfulness as she looked down on him.

She couldn’t help noticing his muscled, hairy chest heaving inside the very low neckline of his white linen shirt. A little panicky she switched her gaze to the bright pearls on the blanket, organising them into pretty patterns.

“So, what’s living with Asra like, anyway?” Julian asked in a low, raspy voice, and she doubted the question was as random as he probably hoped it would seem.

Saghira took a few silent seconds to think, and looked back at him with a secretive smirk. “Why do you ask?”

Julian widened his eyes at her in surprise, and beaconed a hand towards Asra in the water. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s a peculiar relationship, don’t you think?” He still seemed amused by her scepticism. “I mean is he like a... big brother? Or a personal mentor? Or a best friend? Or... I don’t know. Perhaps...even more than that?”

Julian’s face turned red with that last suggestion, and he swallowed. Saghira still held that little spiteful smirk on her face. “I still don’t get why you’re so curious. Maybe he’s all of the above? But is that any of your business?” She shrugged.

Julian’s face dropped. He looked annoyed, perhaps even hurt.

“Hira,” Julian complained tiredly, “honestly, I’m not prying. I’m just baffled that someone like you seem to be so committed to and... I really don’t want to come off as an asshole, but... You seem so limited by this free-spirited, rootless loner that is Asra, and I’m thinking you probably got the bad end of that deal.”

Saghira was instantly irked by Julian’s insinuation. By no means would she have her loyalty or friendships questioned by a notorious drinker and womaniser like Julian. Asra was her rock, and this sounded exactly like something that would come out of the mouth of that “venomous Julian” Asra had warned her about. 

Julian sat up nervously, suddenly towering over her again. “Sorry. I was out of line there. I do like Asra! Don’t get me wrong! I respect him a lot.” He looked at her with sad, investigating eyes. “It just worries me that you never seem to go anywhere without him. To me, you are just way too smart, adventurous and funny to be that dependent on one single person. If he’s not mutually committed, that is.”

Julian’s bluntness had caught Saghira off guard. Something in his words had hit home so hard she felt painfully stripped of her dignity.

“Asra is basically selfless, and only wants what’s best for me,” Saghira objected, still barely managing to keep her voice calm. “You make it sound like he’s controlling me?” She frowned with annoyance. “Truth is he’s done everything for me, and I love him dearly. I regard him as the only family I’ve got.” Saghira heard her own voice come out spiteful and hurt, while watching her skinny-dipping best friend being blissfully unaware of the scrutiny he was under. She felt upset on Asra’s behalf. What did Julian know of commitment or loyalty anyway?

Ironically enough, Asra was at this moment shouting at them to convince them to join him in the water.

Looking back at Julian again, she found him looking genuinely stressed and regretful. She could hear him breath heavily through his nose and see his jaw flex. He too was observing Asra innocently waving his arm at them from far out there.

“I’m so sorry, Hira. I’m not in position to make judgements. Maybe I’m just jealous, you know,” Julian kept his cold gaze at the sea. A mere twitch of his mouth, more than a smile, was all he managed to offer. “After all, I’m the lonely jerk who is supposed to have all the freedom, friends and privileges a man could need, and I still can’t seem make myself happy. Who am I to hand out advice?” 

A sting pierced Saghira’s chest, and she cocked her head with curiosity over Julian’s remarkably humble and random honesty. A new side to his appearantly self confident and carefree spirit.

Asra called for them again, straight out demanding them to join him this time.

“Why don’t you go keep him company? I’ll look after our stuff,” Julian said in a low voice.

Saghira couldn’t ignore his distant, grave eyes still firmly fixated on Asra. 

“Are you sure? Won’t you come with me? I’m sure the water is wonderful.” Her voice was, to her own surprise, suddenly soft and empathetic again, and it seemed to wake Julian’s attention. He studied her for two or three seconds.

“No, thank you, love” he mumbled. “Please don’t mind me. I’m... I’ll enjoy watching you from a far.”

Saghira got up on her feet, a little drunk, but mostly crestfallen with how the mood so suddenly had changed. Was it perhaps her fault? Was Julian hurt for real this time by something she said or did.

She undressed down to her chemise with her back against Julian, and without looking at him again she carefully crossed the tiny, rolling pearls towards the amazing green water. Just before she got into it, she changed her mind about the swimwear and pulled it over her head, leaving only her underpants on. And after a second thought, she ostentatiously pulled those down as well, threw it behind her and stepped butt naked into the almost lukewarm water. No, she was definitely not limited by anyone.   


  
“That’s the spirit!” Asra yelled at her.

As she reached Asra in the water, the first thing he asked was why Julian hadn’t come with her. She turned to see how Julian was doing on shore, but he had turned over on his stomach, facing the other way. It looked like he was taking a nap.

“I don’t know,” she replied tiredly, “I probably hurt his feelings a little bit. Never mind.” She couldn’t even convince herself of that last advice, though.

Looking at Asra he seemed bothered by it too. “Go easy on him, Saghira. No need to break the guy just because he likes you.” Asra cleared water from his face with both hands. He looked almost unrecognisable with slick, wet hair.

Saghira shot her eyes at him. “I didn’t! I mean, he doesn’t. He was being... intrusive and condescending!” 

Asra frowned. “Really? That doesn’t sound like Ilya.” 

Saghira felt blood rise to her ears. “Well, he was,” she mumbled unconvinced, instantly realising that she wasn’t quite sure what she was referring to. She couldn’t remember Julian’s exact words. All she remembered clearly at this point was Julian calling himself a “lonely jerk”, and admittedly not being happy. And she had been too proud or scared or whatever to ask him about it.

Asra swiftly dove down, and before she knew it, his arms were around her knees and he tossed her up into the air, causing her to make a large splash as she landed. They both laughed. “You stubborn little hellion!” Asra teased.

Saghira sneak peaked at Julian again to see if they perhaps had managed to catch his attention, but he was continuously lying completely still with his face the other way. 

Shit, what had she done? Julian had brought them both here with the best intentions, and she had been so grateful and all. Now he probably regretted bringing the bratty, little drama queen she was.

Asra noticed her concern. “I’ll go talk to him, Hira. I’m getting cold anyway.”

Watching Asra get out of the water was an instant reminder that she at some point had to get out herself. And that would mean facing Julian in her birthday suite. Great. If she wasn’t officially the queen of mixed signals....

But for now she preferred to go for a swim, ignoring any possible, cringeworthy drama between the two men on the beach. The mere thought of their upcoming conversation, and what was likely to be a discussion about her uncalled-for hostility, almost made her sick to her stomach. 

She dove into the water and took a few long swim strokes. She thought about how the world was split by this mystical substance, water, and how one couldn’t vision both realms simultaneously. The two worlds knew as little of each other as her future and her past. How she wished she could just dive down into her past like water, and see what her life had been like, who she’d been. Maybe she would have been less paranoid and more approachable if she had that option. Maybe she actually used to be confident, sociable and trusting, like Julian. And with that thought, it hit her for the first time that Julian had in fact suffered the same fate as her, and yet he didn’t seem to carry those same burdens. Or perhaps he really did? Perhaps that was indeed what he had tried to tell her. Maybe all he really wanted, when opening up at the beach, was to reach out to her because he thought she would understand.

Saghira had to stop swimming to catch her breath. Her throat felt clenched. She desperately turned to check on the two landfast men again, and to her great relief they were both sitting up, shirtless, having what seemed like a friendly chat. As she heard Julian laugh out loud in his usual deep, soft voice, she couldn’t help a tearful smile. He was okay. Good, from now on she just had to stop being so fucking complicated around him. But first she had to get both of them into the water in order for her to get out of it without having to greet them awkwardly in all her nude glory.

“I’m getting bored out here!” she yelled. They turned their faces towards her, but she could make out Julian shaking his head at Asra. Asra threw an arm around Julian’s bigger back, probably trying to talk him into joining them. They continued their conversation for a while before Asra got up, said a few words and returned to Saghira by himself. 

Saghira felt the disappointment in her stomach. Well, problem solved; maybe Julian didn’t like her all that much anymore. Maybe he’d had enough of her dodging his attempts at making conversation. Perhaps he finally had decided she wasn’t worth his hard efforts of trying to befriend her. Saghira felt weirdly upset by that thought.

But just as Asra started swimming, Julian got up behind him anyway, tall and pale, wearing only his grey pair of pants. He took a second to think before fully undressing and entering the water. She caught a stolen glimpse of his crotch and took notice of dark pubic hairs and a considerable length.

Saghira’s heart skipped a beat. It felt both scary and exciting, and scariest of all was the explosive sensation in her abdomen. For gods sake, how could she be this indecisive? Did she, or did she not want Julian’s attention? Why did she feel threatened again? And yet, she was undoubtedly turned on by the thought of Julian’s gorgeous, naked body approaching her. She didn’t really have to relate to it, thoug. It was hidden in another realm anyway, the underwater one.

Asra didn’t discover Julian at his tale before he reached Saghira, and was about to tell her that Julian was concerned about intruding. “I told the idiot we wouldn’t even be here without him!” Asra complained. 

Saghira shushed him. “He’s coming up behind you.” 

She felt her heartbeat going amok in her chest. She couldn’t and wouldn’t reject Julian again. He had been nothing but respectful and kind, and she’d only hurt his feelings in return with every chance she had gotten. She cared about him, and she should act accordingly.

Julian was like a fish in the water, and it seemed like he just needed a couple of swim strokes to get to them.

“Yay!” Saghira pretentiously raised her arms in the air to welcome Julian to the party, hoping to mend some of the ruined trust between them. Julian’s face was even more stunning when wet. His amazing, long lashes stuck together framing his gorgeous, grey eyes, his mouth glistened, his slightly freckled cheekbones and nose were highlighted by the sun. 

He drew a hand through the wet, dark curls. “Hey there,” he mumbled bashfully, and Saghira once again had that inexplainable, intense urge to hug him. She wanted to convince him once and for all that she really did like him back. She always had. She was just too scared to admit it, not quite ready for the unpredictable consequences. And so she ended up holding back as usual, even moving away a bit to make sure she wouldn’t accidentally touch him anywhere.

“This isn’t weird at all, right?” Julian asked jokingly, with his typical grin.

Asra laughed. “As long at we’re steering away from synchronised swimming, we’re good.”

They all laughed, and it helped Saghira relax a bit. Julian turned away from them and slowly crawled outwards with amazing efficiency. His broad shoulders suddenly made a lot of sense. He was a natural swimmer. At a certain distance he stopped, flipped over on his back and relaxed.

“My, the water is literally perfect!” he shouted. Saghira couldn’t help shamelessly studying his long, dipping body, hoping to catch another glimpse of what she suspected to be perfect genitalia in accordance with the rest of his physique. That turned out to be difficult in the moving water though, and she shamefully withdrew her pathetic, nosy stare. She was already turned on no matter what there was to see.

Asra challenged Julian to a race out to an islet about 300 feet away, and Julian accepted. There was no doubt in Saghira’s mind who would win it, but she enjoyed watching the two grown-ups being competitive like a couple of teenage boys. 

And she was right, Julian ruthlessly demolished Asra, and she could hear Julian give him a hard time about it afterwards, laughing loud and heartedly. Asra was verbally bashing Julian in return, and she gleefully hummed with amusement. If everything could just be like this at all times; the three of them being trusted friends. In fact she realised she probably deep down wished to be something more than just a friend to Julian, if she could just find it in her heart to believe his interest in her was more than just a random attraction, or worse; another competition for him to win. But she didn’t.

The two very different sized men at the islet obviously went for another round of “who’s the fastes swimmer”, and this time Saghira seemed to be their finish line. Yet again Julian had no trouble beating Asra, and he reached Saghira way before his competitor. He broke the water surface right in front of Saghira looking insecure, as if he got surprised by their sudden proximity. Saghira thought about how intimate they really were, if it wasn’t for the water. 

“Your lips are blue,” Julian eventually panted between deep breaths.

“Are they? Shit, I’m probably colder than I realised. Actually, I am pretty cold,” she chuckled.

“Perhaps you should get out and warm yourself?” Julian asked concerned.

“Only if you’re coming with me.”

It slipped out before she could think, and the rare frankness scared the shit out of her, making her face prickle.

Julian looked as surprised as her. He studied her lips again, his mouth ready to form some kind of response. Nothing came out. He looked back into her eyes, and his whole facial expression was questioning her words.

She watched his freckled, broad shoulders moving in the water, wanting to hold on to them and lean into him, burying her face into his wet neck. Excuse her stupid behaviour into his ear.

“So.... are we okay? Because....” Julian whispered, just as Asra reached them. The idiot only passed them by though.

“Last one to shore is a rotten egg!” he gasped between breaths, continuously swimming like a drunken golden retriever towards land.

Julian couldn’t be less bothered by this challenge, and turned back to Saghira without even reacting to it, but moving slightly closer to her.

For the first time, she caught Julian peaking at her breasts showing just underneath the water surface, but he tried to contain himself the next second, averting his eyes.

“Of course we’re okay, Juli. Listen, I’m sorry...” she paused to think, “... I’m sorry for overreacting. I know you meant no harm when giving your thoughts on my relationship with Asra.

Julian still looked bewildered about what to say.

“I’m also sorry you’re not feeling happy, and that I didn’t... appreciate your openness about it,” she continued.

“No! No, Saghira, please, don’t be sorry. I’m good. I really am fine. I mean, I can’t complain. I tend to whine for no reason.”

“Julian,” Saghira interrupted, “just accept my apology, please.” She cocked her head, and clearly being out of her mind she moved in on him just as she had imagined and hugged him, her bare breasts pressed against his cold, broad, hairy chest, her face against his cold, wet neck. She discretely opened her mouth a bit against his skin, and stroke her lips delicately against his tight neck muscle, tasting the mix between the salty seawater and his skin. He probably didn’t even notice it as everything was equally wet and cold. 

Julian couldn’t bring himself to embrace her, obviously because he was busy making them both float.

“Hira, darling,” he whispered, “what are you doing? Are you... serious?”

Saghira felt her legs grace Julian’s in the water, and if it wasn’t for the fact that they both needed to move to stay afloat, she would have put her legs around him as well, pulled him closer and french kissed him from here to the bottom of the ocean.

“I know I haven’t... always been very kind to you, Juli,” Saghira softy admitted, her forehead almost touching his, “but I’ve always... wanted to. Just so you know. I always liked you... a lot, but I’ve also been so intimidated by you, you know. And I still am, sort of.” Saghira felt a blush heat up her face.

Julian studied her closely with bewildered eyes, still carrying her weight on his neck.

“Just, please don’t tell, Asra,” Saghira begged in a low voice, turning her head to check where their fellow, ignorant friend had gotten to. Asra was back on his legs about to reach dry land.

Julian frowned at her. “Tell Asra what exactly? And why?”

“I can smell you all the way over here, Devorak!” Asra yelled as he was finally out of the water. They still didn’t care to answer him.

Julian’s face was too close for Saghira to resist him. With her back against Asra, she slow and tentatively closed the space between them and covered his mouth with hers. Julian immediately responded with an involuntary mewl, opened his mouth and let his tongue out to feel hers before unexpectedly withdrawing again.

Saghira panicked at first, thinking he was about to pick up on their usual power struggle. But the way he looked at her with intense and frightened eyes, his mouth still open... Saghira hugged him again, whispering seductively into his ear.

“Why so jumpy, Juli?” She looked down on their joined chests.

Julian’s voice was hoarse and trembling.

“Errrm... ah...”, he cleared his throat, “You can’t do this to me now, Hira,” he whispered.

Saghira looked him in the eyes. 

“Are you still mad at me?”

Julian frowned, his eyes filled with confusion.

“Hira, darling!” He chuckled. “No! I... You... I’m naked for crying out loud, and I’m a male! How do you think this affects me?”

His wet, cold face was not so cold anymore.

Saghira let go of Julian’s neck and muffled a laughter in her hand.

“You have to get out of here without me now,” Julian rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe this..,” he mumbled to himself. “Please, you are too cold. You need to go warm up, and I’ll join you... later, when... you know... things have settled down.”

He looked up into the sky for strength biting his lip, making Saghira adore him even more.

“I’m truly sorry!” she sniggered. She respectfully gave him a little more space, although the thought of his erection being within hand’s reach more than anything tempted her to pick up where they just left off. Gods, the blessed tingling in her core...

“Shoo!” Julian was smiling stressed and embarrassed, “Go back to your loser friend, and leave a poor guy alone!”

As Saghira turned around on Julian’s command, he himself went for another swim. 

Saghira waded ashore, naked and almost feverish with feelings, having Asra looking a little puzzled.

“What are you two up to? Did I just watch you hug, Sir “Flirtalot”?” Asra asked while she got dressed. “In the nude?” Asra was joking, but she heard there was a certain authenticity to his accusatory tone.

“Yup!” No need to lie about the obvious. “He got so upset when you broke the competition rules, I had to comfort him!” No need to reveal personal matters either.

Asra snorted. He studied her face as she got closer. “Did you apologise?” he asked sincerely.

“Thanks for that great rationalization,” Saghira thought to herself. “Yeah, I just had to get that little dispute out of my system. As you implied, I was just way too hard on him. We’re good now.

“Oh, I bet he’s more than good!” Asra burst out, and Saghira smirked by the thought of secretively having outsmarted the white haired smart-arse.


	4. Chapter 4

Just as Saghira and Asra had gotten dressed and were packing their gear, the coachman returned with the carriage, coming to a halt on the road above them. Julian was still in the sea swimming, and Saghira suspected part of the reason he wasn’t coming out, was that _she_ was there to watch him rise from the sea like a goddamn mythological sea creature, and he couldn’t handle the pressure. Having that power over him was quite satisfying right now. Tables had certainly turned.

But as Julian finally dragged his arse out of the water, covering his private parts as well as he could with one hand, making Saghira’s heart skip a beat once more, a shrieking, female voice behind her made her jump.

“Doctor Devorak?”

Saghira turned around faster than a slap to the head would have made her. A pretty, young woman was hanging out the carriage window, waving at Julian. A big, white smile almost split her pretty, little, heart-shaped, face in two. Her fair and extraordinarily long hair was braided into one thick braid falling over one shoulder.

For a brief second Saghira tried to figure out a possible connection, before she turned to see Julian’s paralysed reaction from the sight of his waving friend. He quickly picked up his pants, turned around to put them on, then his eyepatch, and almost ran over to this mysterious acquaintance in just a few long steps. His shirt was casually thrown over his shoulder. As he passed Saghira, still fixated on the woman in the carriage, he was ruffling his wet curls and smiling boyishly, and he could just as well have stabbed Saghira in the guts.

“Astrid! How on earth?” Julian greeted the blonde stranger rather calmly, taking hold of her hand, confidently giving it a kiss. “How come you’re here – in our carriage?”

The “Astrid” giggled annoyingly sweet. “I met your coachman at a tavern downtown, and he told me he was going to Vesuvia. Since I was on my way there anyway he offered me a ride. Well, what were the chances it was _your_ carriage?”

“Well, the Countess’ carriage, to be precise, but yeah, that is quite a lucky strike.”

Julian sounded really pleased to see her and Saghira could tell the feelings were mutual. She snapped out of her state of utter perplexion to continue packing, and met Asra’s rolling lavender eyes over the picnic basket.

“Notorious..,” he murmured.

Saghira turned once again and secretly studied Julian impressively long, hunched, V-shaped back as he was leaning against the carriage, his large, naked shoulders looking slightly sunburned. She had been clinging to those shoulders just a short while ago, even secretly kissed his wet neck with that wet hair of his stuck to it, while taking in his intoxicating scent. Now, it was almost like it had never happened, and it filled her with an intense sadness she has a hard time admitting to. It felt like Julian had slipped through her fingers just as she had finally given in to the protracted temptation of inviting him in. Why had she all of a sudden lost her way, revealed and embarrassed herself like this? After all, this was exactly what she had foreseen would happen!

As soon as she and Asra were finished packing, she aggressively grabbed as much as she could carry and ploughed her way past Julian, smiling briefly to their new travelling companion. Astrid politely opened the carriage door for her, Julian moved out of their way.

“Oh sorry, Saghira. Please say hello to my friend, Astrid from Hjalle. Astrid, this is my friend Saghira from Vesuvia.” Julian politely introduced them and they briefly shook hands.

“Nice to meet you, Saghira. I’m so sorry to have intervened in your lovely trip. I just couldn’t decline the offer to catch a free ride to Vesuvia.”

Saghira smiled friendly. “Of course, you shouldn’t! It’s no problem whatsoever. There’s more than enough room.”

Saghira stepped inside and stole a curious peek at Julian’s face as she sat down. To her surprise, Julian looked straight back at her and gave her a warm smile. Too confused and frustrated with the whole situation, she didn’t return the smile, but quickly looked down to start folding their towels and blankets once more, as if it made any sense. Her pulse was beating so hard, she was almost certain it was visible through her skin. The painful disappointment wouldn’t let go of her. There was no way of denying the unreasonable, raging jealousy she felt towards this unknown, beautiful lady in fancy clothes. For some reason she held Julian responsible for it. She even despised him for it, as if he’d brought the woman here himself just to hurt her feelings.

Asra was next to greet the intruder. He was luckily both friendlier and more attentive. And while Julian had kept the conversation going all the way from Vesuvia to the pearl beaches, Asra took his turn all the way back, impeccably entertaining Astrid like a gentleman. Saghira was just happy she didn’t have to listen to Julian and Astrid sharing details on the nature of their friendship, or even worse; talk to _her_.

She felt upset regardless, and kept pretending to sleep as much as she could to avoid revealing her foul mood. Julian sat beside her, remarkably quiet, all the way back. Every now and then Astrid would enthusiastically remind Julian of previous, shared incidents from Hjalle, asking for his confirmation, but Julian seemed reluctant to go into datails. It was beyond obvious to Saghira, Astrid and Julian had been drinking and partying quite a lot together, but that Julian was trying to downplay it.

Asra, on the other side, was feeding Astrid’s ego with his blatant interest, asking her all kinds of insignificant, polite and less polite questions and laughing too loud at her funny stories. She probably was just his type. Damn, she was probably _everyone’s_ type. Saghira could practically envision the young lady on Julian’s lap, her arms around his neck, her lips against his cheek.

Saghira shifted in her seat with her back towards Julian. Then she swallowed a huge, painful lump in her throat, and tried to fall asleep for real.

***

They all stepped out of the carriage in the city centre of Vesuvia. The market had closed for the evening, the sun was setting, but the the air was still warm.

Saghira finally forced herself to show Astrid a minimum degree of courtesy. “So, where are you staying tonight? You probably told the others already. Sorry for falling asleep.”

Astrid still seemed to let Saghira’s passive aggressiveness pass, and Saghira ironically felt grateful for it as she even embarrassed herself with her shitty behaviour.

“No, actually I didn’t expect to spend the night here, and so I haven’t had time to arrange anything yet. I’m sure there’s a room for rent somewhere in this town though. I’m applying for a job as a seamstress here, and the owner of the shop wants to see my skills tomorrow afternoon.”

Saghira felt stressed by the indisputable incentive to invite her to stay at her place, and looking at Julian she knew she had to act fast. If she didn’t offer Astrid a bed now, she knew someone else who would. She could already see Julian weighing his options.

“You can always stay at my place, if you like, Astrid.” Julian seemed more polite than eager, but it still made Saghira’s stomach turn. It was the last drop. She gave Astrid a strained smile and a short nod. “See how fast that worked out? You can always rely on Vesuvian hospitality.”

It took all her willpower not to choke up. To avoid pushing her luck any further, she called for Asra to help her carry their stuff, and quickly waved goodbye to Julian and Astrid, backing away from them.

Julian looked puzzled, almost panicky. Which was good. Maybe he had a sense of shame after all.

“Saghira, wait!” Julian quickly caught up on her, and she just knew her face revealed more hurt than she wanted it to.

“Erm... Won’t you guys hang with us this evening?” Julian’s faked, cheerful voice was pathetic. He was pathetic! Of course she wouldn’t hang with them! What was he thinking?

“To see girls fight over you?” she thought to herself. “Wouldn’t that just be a splendid ego boost?”

Instead she managed to take hold of herself. “No, sorry, Julian. Maybe Asra would like that, but I’m just too tired. It’s been a long day.”

Julian studied her face. “Hira, listen. I... Please. I... Shouldn’t we talk?” He dared touch her shoulder.

“I don’t know, Julian,” Saghira sighed. “I’m sorry if I gave you any ideas earlier. I just...” Saghira swallowed. How to get her dignity back? This was clearly her final chance to get out of this mess she’d made.

“There’s nothing to talk about, really. Let’s just be friends. I guess I got caught up in a moment there, but really, it was nothing. I got a little drunk. Don’t worry about it.”

How easy it suddenly felt to dismiss any emotions or fantasies she had experienced throughout the day. It was actually a relief more than anything. She just had to get back to normal, and she would be fine.

Julian’s good eye grew bigger beside his heavy fringe. “But... No, wait... This _is_ worrying me!” He turned to look for Astrid, but she was still talking to Asra.

Julian lowered his voice. “Hira, darling, I need to talk to you – in private.” Julian reached for her hand and fondled her fingers.

“No need for that now, Juli.” Saghira shrugged. “You have a visitor, and I understand. It’s okay!” She tiptoed, but still couldn’t reach his cheek for a friendly peck. And so he bent down to kiss her instead.

“Please, let me talk to you tomorrow then.” He was practically on the verge of loosing control of himself, and for a moment Saghira feared a scene.

“Um, I’m quite busy tomorrow. I need to go to the market to buy new ingredients, and after that I’m making a new batch of nausea remedies.” She realised it sounded sarcastic when it wasn’t supposed to.

Julian didn’t notice anyway as he interrupted her mid sentence. “I’ll come with you to the market. Please. I can help you carry. I want to.”

He looked pleadingly at her, and Saghira couldn’t find any gentle words to reject him with.

“Alright?” she nodded. “I appreciate that.”

“Tomorrow at noon?” Julian asked.

“Yes. Fine. We can meet at Selasi’s.”

Julian still didn’t look quite content, but he nodded back, and whispered a “thank you”, clutching her hand in his.

“And, just for the record,” Julian added, “there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, between Astrid and myself.” He forced a smile.

Saghira smiled back, just as forced and even less convincing. “You know that’s none of my business, Julian.” She held his bewildered gaze until she felt like she had to end the conversation. He seemed speechless. “See you tomorrow.”

She called for Asra who still enjoyed Astrid’s company, and simply turned to head home without saying another word. Moment of truth had arrived; she was officially a true-born, full-blooded bitch.


	5. Chapter 5

Saghira felt hungover the next day, which didn’t make sense at all. She hadn’t been drinking in the evening unlike some. Still she felt exhausted and lightheaded, even a little sick. At breakfast she had hardly been able to get down a single bite, and her head was aching. Asra wouldn’t stop talking about Astrid either, which certainly didn’t help. He had gone out the night before to meet Julian and Astrid at the Raven, after she herself had gone to bed, so actually _he_ should be the hungover one.

“Please, give me a break, Asra. I totally get that Astrid’s an intriguing person. In fact I’m sure she’s the most fascinating person you’ve ever met. But I can’t engage in your rambling any longer. I have a headache!”

Asra looked appalled at her. “Wow, Hira! Chill, will you? I never said she’s the most fascinating person I ever met! Sorry for giving anyone besides you a little attention.” He was genuinely annoyed with her unreasonable attack.

Saghira felt the shame prickling on her face, but her frustration stirred up a rage she couldn’t even explain. “Oh fuck off, Asra! Just give me some space, will you? You’re always in my hair, even when I’m clearly unwell! Can’t you tell I’m unwell? Just leave me the fuck alone for at least a minute!”

Asra wasn’t one to take abuse. He simply narrowed his angry eyes at her, slowly got up from the kitchen chair, and without speaking, he walked out and slammed the door behind him as he left the shop.

Great. And she had depended on him to look after the shop while she went out to buy ingredients. She had to clean herself up and get going if she was to make the appointment she had made with Julian. 

***

An hour later she met Julian at the bakery. He was sitting in the shade outside Selasi’ shop drinking coffee as she got there, and once again his stunning appearance and graceful mannerism took her by surprise. Everything seemed so tiny in his presence, the chair, the table, the ridiculously tiny coffee cup in his hand. Even Selasi looked small standing in front of him. 

Selasi was the first to spot her. “Saghira, my beautiful wildflower, we’ve been waiting for you!” He started running around to make her feel welcome, and it managed to cheer her up a little bit. Still, she felt unexplainably depressed and angry.

Julian got up too, but looked bewildered about how to contribute to Selasi’s hyperactive service.

“No need to go through all this effort, Selasi, dearest. I’ve just eaten, and I need to be going straight away.”

Selasi looked almost disappointed, but as always he respected everything she said. “Well, then you need to come back later. I’ll have freshly baked pumpkin bread ready for you”

Julian didn’t say much. He paid for his coffee and approached Saghira in awe. “You look beautiful,” he said in a low voice as they left for the market. “Your skin... it’s gotten so tanned from the sun yesterday. It brings out your eyes.” 

Saghira instantly felt pressured again. This was where all her anger originated from. She wanted to slap Julian’s slightly sunburned face, shake some sense into him. 

How could he make her so insecure, even as he was handing out compliments? What did he want from her anyway? Why did she carry the constant feeling of being out on a limb with him?

“Thank you,” she acknowledged politely. “So, where’s Astrid today? I thought perhaps you would bring her along.” Saghira kept up a fast pace as they headed for the farmers’ market. It couldn’t possibly be too fast for Julian’s long legs anyway.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Julian studying her face. “I wanted to talk to you in private, remember?” Saghira went silent, but kept on walking hastily. Her eyes were stinging, and she already regretted this deal they’d made. There was positively nothing Julian could say that would make her admit how much she’d thought about him, how blood had rushed through her like wildfire every time she had imagined her mouth on his neck, how hurt she felt just thinking back on Astrid shouting his name. It was literally sickening. So what was the point of this talk anyway?

Julian firmly grabbed her arm as they were passing through an empty alleyway, and it made her cry out in shock more than pain.

“Saghira!” Julian stared at her like he wasn’t sure who he was looking at anymore. “What’s wrong? What did I do wrong? Please, sweetheart, you have to tell me, or I’ll lose my mind over this.”

Saghira swallowed and looked back at him with hurtful eyes. Her hard shield was about to crack. She could tell by her heaving breath, the pain in her throat, the sting in her eyes. 

“I don’t know!” Saghira bursted out. “I don’t know... what I’m upset about, or why, or... I don’t know!” Her lip was trembling. Her eyes darted anywhere but at Julian’s face. He was still holding on to her, waiting for her to continue.

“Please, Julian...” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. “I’m not quite right... you know. I’m complicated. Maybe I’m damaged. You will never figure me out. I can’t even figure myself out. You can’t possibly like me, because there’s literally nothing to like!” Her own depressing words shook her, but it came from somewhere so profound, she couldn’t deny the truth in them.

Julian watched her attentive and worried, still holding on to her arms, but he seemed lost for words.

“You’re not like me, Juli! You grab every opportunity life brings along, and then you leave it behind the next second without ever looking back. Nothing seems to be of any permanent value to you. It’s just about satisfying fleeting needs, ticking out boxes.” Saghira was gesturing energetically while pathetically spitting out her insults at Julian.

He didn’t look angry though. He still just looked concerned, keeping his eyes locked on her now wet, messed up face.

When she had stopped ranting for a little while, he finally opened his mouth. “Why do I upset you, Saghira?” he asked in a soft voice. “So I’m an idiot, I know. But why does that bother you so much that you’re literally crying? You told me yesterday I scare you. Why is that? I don’t get it. I’ve never tried to hurt you on purpose, dear. I promise.”

Julian for once sounded coherent and confident. His usual stutter was gone.

Saghira bit her lip and tried to dry her eyes despite tears continuously flowing down her cheeks.

“I just... I... I can’t trust you!”

“How come?”

“Because... I can’t. I... don’t believe you. You... manipulate people.”

Julian frowned as a she said that last sentence, and he finally looked upset with her. Just as he had done at the beach.

“I manipulate people?” he repeated. “Sorry for being ignorant, but when exactly did you see me manipulating people.” He sounded slightly mad from her accusations.

Panic spread inside Saghira’s body. What _was_ she referring to? She felt like she had tons of examples, but under pressure she couldn’t come up with a single one. But Asra said... No, she couldn’t bring up Asra this time. Not after Julian mocking her about her dependency on him.

“I don’t know!” she finally cried out. Defeated. He had finally defeated her.

“Please, just leave me alone Julian,” she whispered. She had stopped crying, and looked back at him with the last shred of confidence she still owned.

“See how irrational and disturbed I am? Do you now see what I mean?” Her face turned hard again. “There’s nothing slightly attractive about me, and you bloody well know it.” She hit her own chestaggressively with her fist. “So stop pretending you fancy me, because you don’t. I’m not falling for it. I’m not... nice... or cute... or even kind. Don’t waste your time on me. Move on already! Go home to your adorable girlfriend and just let me be.”

Saghira tried to pull away, but Julian still held on to her. As she screamed at him in panic, he startled and let go of her arm. 

She immediately turned to run away from him, but not paying attention to her surroundings the next and last thing she sensed before everything went black, was Julian loud yell: “Watch out!”


	6. Chapter 6

Saghira’s next conscious sensation was a distant, muffled sound. Someone was crying. There seemed to be an arm in front of her face, and the blurred hand was covered in bright white fabric. Everything was bright. In fact so bright it was blinding. The weak cry got closer and closer, until she realised it was her own voice. The arm, one moment ago covered in white, was suddenly covered in black. She could smell leather, coffee and blood. Someone was carrying her, moving so fast they had trouble breathing.

Where was she? Was she in another realm? Was she dead? Then the excruciating pain hit in, and she slipped into darkness again.

***

The next time she regained consciousnessshe recognised her surroundings. She was lyingin her own bed, in her bedroom, only lit up by the evening sun, unable to move. Every limb felt paralysed, as if something heavy was pinning her to the mattress. But there was only a simple bed sheet covering her. Her eyes roamed the room, and suddenly met Julian’s worried, red eyes by the headboard.

He didn’t speak at first, but his mouth twitched nervously.  
  


“Hey there,” he finally whispered. She realised he was holding her wrist in his hand, his thumb stoking her pulse slowly.

Saghira’s throat was dry, her breath short and she could hardly speak. Also, her head was about to explode with pain. As soon as she tried to move, her whole chest felt shattered. Every breath felt unbearable. She had to close an eye to see straight and avoid getting nauseous.

“Am I dying?” she asked in a barely audible voice. “I think I might be. It’s happened before.”

Julian sighed and smiled. “I don’t think so, my little warrior. That would be very unlike you.”

Saghira didn’t have the strength to smile back. She wasn’t trying to be funny, and didn’t get why he would find it funny.

“Where’s Asra?” She felt worried and confused. Had she just dreamt about Asra slamming the door in her face? Why would Asra be angry with her? Anxiety spread through her broken body.

“Asra is downstairs making a special remedy for you. He’s going to take care of you. Just like he always does.”

Julian seemed almost angelic touching her forehead, caressing her wrist, calm, caring and gentle. It was enough to make her question her own senses. Was she in fact dreaming this? She watched his pleasingly shaped mouth as he asked her to drink from a straw. 

That mouth of his had always been irresistible to her. She could get lost just watching it move, constantly changing expressions. How she would have loved to just bite the lower lip a little bit, kiss it, taste it.

At some point she slipped into another dream, where she was struggling under water, trying to reach the surface before she ran out of oxygen. The pain in her chest was driving her out of her mind. She had to get up to the surface! Now! Or else her chest was threatening to explode. As she broke the surface she screamed for help, and woke up to her own chilling, hoarse sound.

Julian was once again in front of her, still holding that same posture, but the room had turned dark. His face looked painfully stressed. 

  
“Sssshhhhh, my darling.” He was so quiet, his moves so calm. “Ssshhh. I’m here. Asra’s here. We’re both here looking after you. You don’t have to be scared.” Saghira was surprised to see Julian yet again.

“Are you in this realm too?” she asked him. 

“Yes, Saghira, I’m in this realm with you. I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“I’m wet. Did we go swimming?”

“No, Saghira, we are here – in your shop. We’re going to stay here until you are well.”

“Am I not well?”

“No, Saghira, you are not well right now, but you will be. You just need to rest.”

Julian was starting to make sense to her, even though he was unusually serious and quiet.

“How about some more water, love? I think that would do you good.” Julian was holding her hand now, stroking her hair with the other one. It felt cold against her forehead.

“I can’t get up. I’m too heavy. I’m drenched.”

“I’ll help you get up, love. Don’t worry.”

Julian slipped his arm underneath her and carefully hoisted her up to sit against the pillows he’d arranged for her.

The pain in her shoulder and chest cut through her like a knife, and she couldn’t hold back a hitched cry. It was the most intense pain she’d ever felt. Again she realised she was indeed wet. To her own horror she recognised the damp smell as well. Gods, she had wet the bed! And Julian surly had to have noticed too. 

What nightmare was this? What exactly had happened? She felt so confused and scared and in so much pain she couldn’t hold back the tears of despair anymore. 

Julian took her hand again. “Don’t cry, love. It will get better. This is the worst part. It will only get better. You are so brave! You’re the bravest I know! Holy shit, you scared me.” He burst into a little chuckle. “I’ve cried too, you know, and I haven’t even been in the pain you’re in.” Julian was desperately trying to distract her from her own misery, but his tearful eyes deceived him.

Saghira couldn’t shake the humiliation of sitting in her own pee while holding Julian’s hand anyway. “I want to clean myself up, Julian” Saghira whispered. “Please help me clean myself up.”

“Do you think you can handle that, Hira darling? I really don’t want to hurt you more than necessary. I could bring you a wet cloth, help you change towels, sheets and shirt and everything. Would you like that?”

Towels? They’d put towels underneath her in bed. So obviously they had prepared for this to happen. How many days had she stayed in bed for anyway? 

She finally realised that her latest unspoken theory of being infected with the plague, and that she was rapidly dying with Julian by her side, was not based on any real experience, but a vivid dream she must have had. It had seemed very real a little while ago, but now when pondering, the surroundings had been completely different in that dream. How strange. She could have sworn it really happened! Julian had seemed so realistic to her, she had even felt the hairs on his forearm, the significant beating of his heart against her ear. He had been crying, like he just said, holding her hand like now. And she knew she was about to die.

The plague was not the reason she was in this state though. The plague was a thing of the past now anyway. The Devil was defeated. No, she had injured herself while being with Julian at the market. It was slowly coming back to her. 

“I’m sorry, Juli. I... I can’t remember what happened. What happened to me?”

Julian swallowed and stroke her cheek carefully. “Do you remember us at the market?” Julian looked almost apologetic. “I’m afraid you got run over by an oxcart, dear. You suffered quite a blow to your abdomen and your head. You’re in bed for the third day now.” Even Julian’s good eye had turned red and tired, and he seemed bothered to talk about what had happened.

But in that same moment Asra approached her other side. “Hey there, beautiful,” he beamed affectionately and nuzzled her hair. “Please drink a little, sweetie. You’ve hardly taken any liquid at all the last couple of days. I’ll help you freshen up afterwards.” He was holding up another glass of water with a straw in it.

“Asra, I’m in so much pain. I can’t take it. I need some relief. Please.” She clenched her fist around his delicate white shirt, but her hand seemed strangely numb. Her dry throat and painful chest caused a deep, whispery, hitched voice. 

“I will sweetie, I will. Give me just one moment and I’ll be back.”

“Asra, wait!” Julian got up on his feet and followed Asra to the stairs. She could hear Julian whisper something, and Asra dismissing him in a low but firm voice. 

“Absolutely not! At least not now! She’s already doing better. We still don’t know how severe this injury is. You could be out for days healing, and so what if she or some other person should need your crucial service in the meantime?” Asra shook his head. “We’re handling this the right way now. Believe me,” he whispered.

Julian turned quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know...” she heard him reply. “I’m not sure she’s safe yet.”

Saghira caught Julian’s worried gaze, but she didn’t have the capacity to dwell on the men’s discussion. Pain was all she could focus on, and the fact that Asra had promised to help her.

***

After having her pain relief, water and clean sheets, Saghira slumbered for an unknown amount of time. The natural lighting in the room altered the colours and shadows around her every time she opened her eyes. One moment she watched Julian dozing off covered in a beautiful golden light, his head resting on her mattress, then shortly after, Asra laid sleeping by her side in the dark. Later he sat reading in an armchair in the corner of the room in bright daylight. But as the sun set Julian would be back by her side again, holding her hand, stroking her hair. Every time she would have a few sips of water and perhaps a few pink grapes, and finally at one point Asra managed to help her to the bathroom. It was the first time in a week she had seen herself in the mirror, and she hardly recognised herself. 

Her cheeks were hollow, her eyes lidded, and although she was still quite tanned, her face seemed more grey than brown. Her lips were pale, the skin under her eyes dark, and then there was of course the obvious injury on the left side of her head. Dried blood still stained parts of her face, hair and neck until Asra helped her wash it out. Julian had stiched her up somehow without her knowledge.

But the worst shock was discovering her own torso. The skin on her belly and ribs was bruised and discoloured in a whole range of deep reds, dark purples and yellows. A frightening sight she’d never seen anything like before. Other than that she discovered several minor bruises and cuts on her arms, hands and legs.

When back in bed she could hear Julian ask Asra about how she looked under her nightshirt, but Asra seemed reluctant to answer. 

“She looks better,” was his short reply. 

Julian didn’t sound convinced. “Do you think she’ll let me examine her?”

Again Asra was taking his time to answer. “No, Julian, I honestly don’t think she’d like that. And I won’t have you doing any magic tricks on her either.”

“Asra, I’m worried about her spleen. I need to know how those bruises look.”

“You can’t do anything about it anyway, Julian. She just needs rest, and besides; the bruises look B E T T E R. Take my word for it.”

Saghira knew Asra well enough to tell he was annoyed with someone questioning him, and that he was especially annoyed because he had to cope with Julian and his medical expertise. “Now, Julian, you’ve been here pretty much none stop since last Monday. Isn’t it time to go home, and get back to your own life? Surly you must have other patients to attend to? Things to do at home? The Raven must think you’re dead...”

Julian didn’t answer that. He walked over to Saghira’s bedside, opened the window and sat down as usual, taking her hand in his, kissing it, smiling nervously. 

“Nothing more important than this,” he replied. Asra turned and went downstairs.

Saghira studied Julian’s face. Asra’s mixture had given her a welcomed break from the most intense pain. The breeze filled the room with a fresh smell of garden and sea.

“You don’t need to stay, Julian. Honestly. I feel stupid for keeping you here. I’ll be alright.”

Julian ignored her. “How’s you abdomen, sweetheart? Is it swollen? Very bruised? Any fresh bruises?” 

Saghira simply lifted her shirt up to show him, without any comments on Asra’s overprotective behaviour. At first Julian looked insecure, searching her eyes for acceptance. Then he checked her belly carefully with his cold tattooed hand, asking her where it hurt. It was weird to feel his gentle touch like this. Surprisingly natural and professional on one hand, but on the other it awoke a whole arsenal of difficult feeling that she had almost forgotten. She suddenly remembered their swim, their secret kiss – and Astrid. Saghira swallowed and pulled her shirt back down to signal that she’d had enough for now. Julian clearly got insecure again.

“Asra’s right,” he whispered, “You’ve healed up nicely.” He smiled affectionately at her. “You have no idea how relieved that makes me.”

Saghira avoided his stare. “Well, I guess that’s thanks to you and Asra. I’m very grateful,” she replied feeling emotional and stressed by her latest reminders.

“Please don’t thank me. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place,” Julian said in a grave voice.

Saghira shot her eyes at his in disbelief. Did he just blame himself for her accident? “Juli, you moron,” she whispered in her now usual raspy voice, “that was _not_ your fault!”

“You don’t even remember it. I do. It was my fault. I...,” Julian paused. “I shouldn’t have upset you like that. I wish I had let you go like you wanted to, but I held you back against your will.” His lip was slightly trembling. “Gosh, for a while there I thought I had killed you.” He removed his eyepatch, and rubbed both his eyes with his fingers.

It was hard for her to imagine how he actually felt. He looked genuinely traumatised thinking about the incidence, but had he really been that scared for her life? It seemed strange he would be more emotionally affected than she was.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated. “And you probably saved my life, Juli.”

Julian looked back up at her with sad eyes. “Can I tell you something, Saghira? Do you promise not to get upset with me?”

Saghira stiffened at the request. He was going to upset her once again, like he always did. What was it this time? Her mind instantly drifted to Astrid. Would he finally reveal the truth about their relationship? Admit he had lied about it? She could feel the pain in her chest returning.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled hoarsely, grimacing from the pain building up. “You generally are such a bloody pain in the arse. It depends.” Julian didn’t even take notice of the joke.

“Thing is,” Julian began without any further hesitation, “I... I think I might be... in love with you.” Then he drew a long breath and continued hastily. Saghira felt her pulse raise so fast she hardly paid attention to the following elaboration. 

“I don’t expect you to feel the same or anything, although I must admit I got my hopes up that day at the pearl beach.” He shook his head and smiled bashfully, watching their very different, joined hands against the white bed sheets. Then he stared back at her face, vulnerable and flustered. “I just thought I should tell you. Not... that I want you to say it back! Or... well, of course.. if... I don’t know.” He frowned and swallowed. “You... just... don’t have to tell me anything. I’m content just letting you know how I feel, and so... now you know.” He shrugged, and suddenly seemed lighter. “Boy, that was awkward...” he chuckled, and rubbed his red face as if he was trying to get the colour off. It only made matters worse.

Saghira’s pulse was still painfully throbbing at the base of her throat. She was scared she would either have a panic attack or start crying from the overwhelming news. She didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t know what she felt. But if Julian was telling the truth, it was absolutely mind blowing. Unbelievable, in fact. She would have to think about this. Let it sink. She looked down at their hands again to avoid his gaze.

“I... I’m very flattered, Juli...” Saghira started. “I... I don’t think... Erm... I really am exhausted these days, and... It’s been a lot to take in lately.” 

She could feel his stare burning her face. Julian interrupted her. “Hira, love, don’t... Please don’t say more. You don’t have to. I understand. I didn’t mean to trouble you with my issues now when you obviously have more important things to deal with.” He squeezed her hand, and kissed it. Then he abruptly got up on his feet, his impressive height making the distance between them almost unbearable. She wished she had at least hugged him while she had the chance. Told him how how much he meant to her, how grateful she was of him staying with her. Gods, she should perhaps even have told him she loved him back.

Julian smiled again and although he was trying to be brave, there was something utterly sad about the way he did it. “I better... attend to some work at home. See you later, beautiful. Take care,” he whispered, his eyepatch clutched in his hand. 

Then he hurried downstairs, and she could hear Asra’s voice mumbling something unintelligible from the shop. Julian’s deep voice was basically just a monotone bass in the distance. Both men were silent for a while, and Saghira felt desperate to get up and listen in on their conversation. But then finally, as she heard the front door opening, Asra’s voice suddenly carried loud and clear: “She would have told me. Believe me, Ilya. I’m her closest friend.” 

Then the front door shut, and she heard the sound of Julian’s long footsteps disappear among birdsong and leaves rustling in the trees outside her window.


	7. Chapter 7

Saghira didn’t see Julian again that week – or the week after. More than three weeks had gone by since her accident, and although her movement was still limited, Saghira was finally able to do most things by herself. She got out of bed, made herself meals and baths, got dressed and moved around the house and garden. She’d had visits from both Portia and Nadia, but Julian, for reasons unknown, kept away. It messed her up to the point she could hardly concentrate on anything but his absence. The progress she’d made physically did not compensate for how depressed she felt worrying about how and where he was every minute of the day.

Portia had mentioned Julian a couple of times, but was clearly unaware of his declared feelings for Saghira. “Ah, you know him;,” Portia explained once Saghira asked about him, “he’s probably busy drinking or working. When he’s not drinking _and_ working his charm, that is.” Saghira couldn’t even pretend to find the joke funny.

She didn’t quite understand Julian’s behaviour either. Had he really given up on her this easily? How could her slight hesitation be enough to discourage him this much? Julian, who usually oozed with self esteem, and had shamelessly courted her since forever, pretty much just for laughs? He’d never backed away before just because of a little resistance.

Saghira dreamt about Julian almost every time she slept, and woke up to agonising, almost shocking, disappointment and regret when faced with reality. Keeping her true feelings for Julian to herself at the least expedient moment was something she realised she’d never forgive herself for.

Although there was perhaps another explanation to why everything had gone so irreversibly wrong the last time she saw Julian. She pinned that one on Asra. No doubt had he advised Julian leave her alone and forget about her that day he left. And so it had probably dawned on Julian that Saghira’s constant rejections were in fact sincere, and that he was being a jerk for continuously chasing her.

All sorts of depressing thoughts ran through Saghira’s mind as she sat under her favourite lemon tree in the garden one morning. It was a warm, beautiful, late summers day, but instead of enjoying the weather, she was really just hiding away from Asra, shedding bitter tears over lost love. 

“Please come back, Julian,” she silently cried through gasps and hitches, hoping it would work like some sort of spell. She knew very well her magic didn’t work like that though. If he were to come back, as she instinctively knew he would, she was confident he would act very differently from the last time he visited. He would probably keep a safe distance, be polite and cool. But he wouldn’t call her cute names, or give her silly compliments, or touch her hair, or look at her affectionately with those intense, pale eyes, his head cocked, his big, mischievous smile lurking in the corner of his mouth, making her weak with anticipation. 

How on earth could she make him bring up his feelings for her again, now that she had practically shamed him for them? And Asra! That inconsiderate rebuke he’d  given Julian as a final death blow. How to even excuse it?

The painful memories had Saghira biting into her wrist, muffling her cries. Again she dwelled on the complete illogic to why she’d just let the blessed opportunity to have Julian’s love pass? If she hadn’t been such an utter idiot, she would probably be in his arms right now, taking in his familiar smell, braiding her fingers into his, feelings his body heat against her back, his breath against her hair. He would have told her not to worry, called her beautiful and kissed her head.

Sudden determination made her get up from the garden bench and walk inside the house to have that difficult talk with Asra. She didn’t care how she looked, Asra had to know the truth, no matter how much he would recent her for it. Hopefully he could even help her get Julian back.

***

Asra was cooking dinner in the kitchen as Saghira entered the house. The strong smell of spices, still couldn’t trigger her appetite, as it used to. She really hadn’t eaten properly since the accident, and it only added to her fatigue and frailty.

“I need to tell you something, Asra,” Saghira panted after climbing the stairs. Asra turned, initially looking surprised and happy to see her – until he realised what state she was in. He could clearely tell she’d been crying, although he wisely kept from commenting on it. A whispery , empathetic “hey you” was his fumbling greeting.

Saghira drew a breath and straightened up. “Okay, here goes: You know how Julian always has... cared about me, and... you know..? He’s basically just given me plenty of attention, right?”

Asra put down the ladle and turned to face her, placing one fist to his hip while leaning against the stove. He seemed alert.

“Sure,” he answered, frowning down at her.

“Well, I have to admit I’ve gone from being very bothered by it... as you know, to... very... grateful and happy for it.”

Saghira watched Asra closely for any signs of annoyance or upcoming ridicule. His poker face was solid as ever though.

“What are you saying?”

“I.... am saying,” Saghira started, still emotional but collected. “I think I have feelings for Julian, I mean really strong feelings. To the degree I deeply regret turning him down all this time.”

There! All said. Nothing more to speculate on. Truth was out for good.

Asra slightly raised his brows. “And you don’t think that’s just because he’s been taking care of you during your convalescence?” His scepticism was all over his face.

“No, Asra. I know it sounds unlikely, but I believe I’ve actually cared about Julian as long as I can remember, but that I’ve just had trouble fully trusting him.”

“Rightfully so!” Asra added.

Saghira felt that comment as a slap to the face. Contradicting Asra’s opinions on Julian for some reason felt like disobedience, but he sure made it hard for her to avoid it this time.

“No, see I’m not sure that has been rightfully so,” Saghira tried to keep calm. “Julian seems to genuinely care for me. In fact he straight out told me he loves me.”

Saghira quickly dried a tear appearing in the corner of her eye, while staring back at Asra to underline her conviction. She was awaiting Asra’s next response with slight worry, though.

He took a deep breath and paused to stir the boiling dinner. He seemed to be searching for the the right words.

“Hira, you know I care for you. I love you like a sister. And I honestly think you deserve _so_ much better.”

“No, I don’t even deserve Julian! _He_ probably is the one who deserves better. But I’m willing to try to be better, to be deserving.”

Asra rolled his eyes. “Wow, now you even sound like him. Congratulations. What happened?” he snapped back sarcastically. Asra was suddenly too busy preparing the food to face her any longer. He was undoubtably upset with Saghira’s change of heart, and it angered Saghira more than anything. It felt so unfair and frustrating.

“What can I say, Hira? You’re free to do what you like. But I’m warning you, he will hurt you. Tell you the truth I actually believe Astrid and Julian is a thing. She’s staying at his place right now, as we speak.”

Before Asra turned to check Saghira’s reaction, she had already left the kitchen, and quickly returned to the bedroom to get dressed. She brushed her hair with aggressive strokes a galloping heart rate, hands shaking and tears welling up. 

“A thing”? How many days had passed since Julian admittedly loved her – after she had talked nonsense, looked like a wreck and smelled like a cowshed for days on end? Julian had loyally stayed by her bedside despite all that. If that wasn’t more than “a thing”... She put the hairbrush down and studied herself in the mirror. She looked a little fresher now. Except for the current red, swollen eyes, hollow cheeks and pale lips, she was pretty much back to her normal self. 

Enough of dragging herself down all the bloody time! At the end of the day, Julian actually had more trust in her, and more love for her, than she had herself. This constant self doubt needed to stop. It wasn’t doing her any good. How could being open, honest and vulnerable, and yes, perhaps having her feelings hurt, be more intimidating to her, than being a prisoner in her own impenetrable fortress of control? Who was she even kidding? 

“You look beautiful, Hira,” she told herself. “You are a decent human being, and you deserve to have love and sex and dreams and hopes. Go out there and let your love and dreams show. No one is handing out scores. Live a little.”

With this newfound confidence and determination she got ready to walk out in public for the first time in almost a month – this time with no time to loose. Her torso was still sore when she moved too quickly or drew deep breaths, but other than that she felt fine. A walk to Julian’s place wouldn’t cause too much trouble.

She didn’t bother to tell Asra where she was off to, she left the shop and walked as quickly she could towards the port and Julian’s apartment. She had to admit to herself a slight faintness as her pulse rose, but she just couldn’t waste time. She started running in between her hurried steps, causing minor chest pains.  


The smell of sea eventually grew stronger, the road gradually got muddier, and she hoisted her skirts up to save them. Fishermen and -women with barrels in carts were passing her by. At one point she had a flashback of being hit by the oxcart, but she managed to shake off the sudden anxiety. She was alright. Thanks to Julian. She repeated his name to herself. At one point she heard his name in Astrid’s high pitched voice, and it made her throat spasm, forcing her to stop and calm down to catch her breath. She was doing it again; torturing herself with negativity to stop herself from taking risks. 

No, Julian loved her. He’d said it himself. That couldn’t simply go away after a short week, could it? She remembered the dodgy reply she had given him, and the doubt set in again. How could Julian  _not_ move on after all those persistent rejections? 

She approached Julian’s apartment still feeling determined and fairly confident. But as she knocked on his door for the third time without anyone opening, stress and anxiety was once again overcoming her. At that very moment a sailor was passing in the street and he slowed down as he noticed her. 

“Are you looking for Doctor Devorak?” he asked in a thick Vesuvian accent.

Saghira turned with tears in her eyes. A nod and puny “yes”, was all she was able to let out.

“He’s boarding the ship to Hjalle right this minute.” The sailor pointed with his thumb over his shoulder. “I just saw him loading his luggage. If you hurry you might reach him before the ship leaves the port.”

Saghira didn’t take time to think, but hoisted her skirts up again and ran without even thanking the young man. Her mind was blank, and she had no idea what she was up to. Somehow she needed to let Julian know what was on her mind before he left for Hjalle and Astrid for gods know how long. 

As she rounded the corner and her feet hit the tar-painted boardwalk, she felt a swift relief by the sight of the ship. But the anchor was aweigh. The ship had just left the port, and was about to turn inside the bay. 

Absolute panic took over Saghira’s senses. This couldn’t be happening! Why hadn’t she made up her mind just a few minutes earlier? On pure impulse she screamed in desperation from the top of her lungs.

“Juliaaaaaaan!” 

It tore her rib cage apart, but she didn’t care. Perhaps he was still on deck somewhere and able to hear her. If nothing else, he had to know she would be waiting for him when he came back. 

“Juliaaaaaaaaan!” 

She screamed even louder, ignoring the intense pain it inflicted on her chest. Her voice broke from despair taking over. Tears were running down her face again, and she couldn’t stop the sob despite the violent pain it caused. 

It was too late. He was nowhere to be seen. Now Astrid would have the pleasure and benefit of being there in his need for digression, comfort and support. See, Astrid wouldn’t waste that chance – as some would. Her heart broke into a million little pieces just thinking about it.

She turned and almost fainted by the sight of Julian standing on the boardwalk just a few feet away from her. 

“Saghira, what are you doing?” His voice was low and concerned. “You need to take it easy, darling. You can’t possibly be fully healed yet.”

Saghira stopped crying from the pure shock and confusion. For a moment she was considering if he was here by some kind of magic, or plain imagination.

“I thought you were on the ship,” she whispered, quickly drying her face up. “Oh dear, that must have been the craziest scene ever!” She covered her face, and giggled nervously.

Julian stood completely still, his eyes were large and insecure, but he dared a fleeting smile.

“No, I... I just saw Astrid off. She got that job you know, and I... Never mind, I was just resting on the barrel against that wall over there watching the big, beautiful ship leave, and suddenly you ran past me screaming my name.” He chuckled, and Saghira felt her heart swell by how gorgeous he looked. He was here after all. A second chance she’d never expected. It was almost to good to be true.

“Do you need my help, or anything?” he asked seriously.

“No!” Saghira shook her head and attempted a smile, “ I don’t need anything... more from you. I’m not upset or anything. I...” She swallowed and looked him in the eyes. “I just need to tell you... that... I’ve missed you so much since you left, I’ve literally felt sick from it, and I’m sorry I never told you this earlier, but...” Saghira was desperately trying to remember her inner mantra. She’d been practicing on what to say all the way from the shop. Now she just needed to let it out and give it a life on its own, like a bird. “I... I think I... love you too.”

Once it was said, it felt weirdly undramatic, like she’d just described the weather. 

Julian’s eyes grew a little bigger, but his face was still pretty grave. He was standing in the same spot, measuring her up and down. Then he quickly glanced at his feet and opened his mouth. 

Before he could talk, Saghira stepped up to him, took one of his large hands in her tiny ones, attempting to read his face.

“I think I might have always had those feelings for you, Julian, but I just couldn’t get my head around why you would be interested in someone like me, and so I rejected the whole possibility to protect myself from getting hurt. I get hurt so easily you know. I’m too proud, perhaps even arrogant, and so vulnerable at the same time. You know me. I hate being emotionally disrupted.” She could hear herself rambling with nervousness, but at the same time the truth was indeed slowly setting her free. She could feel it.

Julian squeezed her hands in his, and looked back at her face with insecure eyes, as if he was still searching for the right words. He drew another deep breath, and smiled bashfully. His face flushed.

“Saghira, darling, what are you doing to me? You’re going to kill me one of these days,” he whispered.

Saghira lifted the back of his hand to her mouth and gave it a long, heartfelt kiss before looking back up at him. He seemed to have trouble believing her, and she so desperately wanted to convince him. How quickly things changed.

“You know that feeling when a bird finally sits in your hand?” he asked. “That’s how I feel right now. I don’t know if I dare say more.” He sniggered.

The look on Julian’s face told her he was happy, but she still wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Again she repeated to herself that it didn’t matter what he would think or say or do, as long she told him the honest truth.

“I won’t fly away,” she said, “no matter what you say.” She gave him a warm smile.

“What if I kiss you?”

“I won’t fly away if you kiss me either,” Saghira giggled.

Julian smiled his most beautiful, shy smile back and looked up into the sky as if he was overwhelmed.

He finally bent down closing the space between them, and right before their lips touched he mumbled: “I thought I would never have another one of these.”

His lips touched hers gently, and he carefully put her upper lip between his. Then her lower lip, and Saghira eagerly reached for his sideburns and cocked her head to draw him further in and deepen the kiss. Julian carefully held on to her shoulders as she opened her mouth and he did the same, their tongues slow and softly tasting each other. Saghira sighed and Julian drew away.

“Is it painful? Your ribs, I mean,” he asked in a low, hoarse voice. 

“No, not at all.” She was waiting for him to kiss her again as she had no chance of reaching his mouth with hers. When she opened her eyes he was looking down at her with so much affection she let go of his neck, reached for his sash and just leaned into him for the sake of reconciliation. 

“I love you,” she repeated. “I wasted so much time pretending I didn’t. Please forgive me.” Julian wrapped his arms around her neck and shoulders and nuzzled her hair. Saghira’s temple hugged Julian’s linen draped pec, just where his dark russet chest hairs were peeking out of his low neckline. She could smell him, and it reminded her of the days she’d spent in bed, holding his hand. It felt safe and calming. She slipped her hands around his waist and kissed the skin inside the shirt.

Other people were entering the boardwalk as they stood there embracing each other. “What do you say Saghira? Do you want to go somewhere private?” Julian’s low voice was thick and raspy.

“We can go to your place,” Saghira suggested.

“Aha. Well... Erm... it’s not very... inviting, but if you don’t mind my simplistic hospitality..?”

“I don’t mind anything that’s yours.”

Julian laughed at her quick and honest reply and grabbed her hand, and then they set off to Julian’s apartment. 


	8. Chapter 8

The moment the door to Julian’s apartment shut behind them, it was like any previous shyness, boundaries or hesitations ceased to exist, like they’d always been intimate. Without even giving him a heads up, Saghira eagerly pulled Julian’s shirt out of his sash, and with a little tiptoeing and Julian’s helpful hand, she pulled the shirt over his head. Along with it went his eyepatch. She stopped to study the familiar shape of the hairs across his chest, the freckles on his broad shoulders, the defined collarbones at the base of his throat. It struck her that she’d missed him even more than she realised. But this moment made up for all the pain she’d gone through to get here. And by gods, there had been so much pain.

Julian seemed surprisingly calm and reticent, watching her face closely with wide, mesmerised eyes. His breathing was slightly irregular and he was biting his lip waiting for her next move. She locked eyes with his while unwrapping the sash slow and seductively, and he cooperatively raised his long arms a bit. The trail of dark red hairs down the middle of his pale and muscled abdomen, crossing his narrow belly button, got denser as it disappeared into his grey pants. The sight of it was enough to make her sex throb, and she swallowed nervously as she dropped his sash to the floor.

Slow and gently she combed her fingers through his soft, short body hairs while studying his face. He couldn’t possibly be more pure and beautiful than right now, his cheeks blushing and his darkened eyes heavy lidded. He closed them and exhaled with a hitched moan, flexing his abdomen. A shiver went through him, and he chuckled. “I’m so damn ticklish...” he mumbled.

“You are so damn pretty, Julian. That’s what you are,” she whispered and beamed at him.

He opened his eyes again, smiled gratefully and touched her cheek, the very first caress he’d tempted since they got behind closed doors. They were still standing straight up and down inside the gloomy entrance hall of Julian’s apartment, watching each other, a little bewildered about how to overcome the challenging height difference between them. He let his thumb run over her soft lips, and she boldly took it into her mouth sucking it gently, revolving her tongue around it. The things she dreamt of doing to him. She just wished she dared tell him. Julian looked nervous, and his breath hitched again. 

“I don’t... I don’t know how to please you without hurting you. I’m afraid to cause you pain, sweetheart.” Julian seemed short of breath, and genuinely worried.

He withdrew his thumb from her mouth letting his fingertips run down to the hollow at the base of her throat. He lingered to investigate the concave shape, before continuing further down to her sternum. As he reached the hem of her strapless dress he traced it towards her shoulder until he cupped her left breast with that same hand, kneading her soft flesh through the thin fabric, stroking her nipple with the thumb that had just left her mouth.  


  
He was studying her face with vulnerable eyes, and she finally found the courage to let her pride go to show him just how much she appreciated his touch. She closed her eyes and sighed from the warm, tingling sensation in her core, still holding a firm grip on the slouchy waistband of Julian’s pants. Another jolt of arousal spread through her by the thought of where this was heading, and she bucked her hips forward unconsciously. She looked at his crotch under her clutched fist and realised he was already ready for her. At the front of his pants his hardening member was creating a large, sharp edge and it almost reached his hip. She looked back at his face for consent as she dropped her hand down, covering his genitals to feel the warm firmness of them through the woolly fabric. Julian opened his mouth and let out a sigh.

“You won’t hurt me, Juli. I trust you. You’re already doing so well. You mustn’t stop touching me, okay?” she whispered, wetting and biting her lip between deep breaths.

Julian let go of her breast and cupped her head in his hands, moving his hips slow andrhythmically, making his member twitch until she could se the pink head of his cock peeking out from his waistband. 

Julian noticed it too. He gasped at the sight, breathing loud and heavy, thrusting harder into her hand as she continued stroking him through the thick layers of clothing. Precum was starting to dribble out of his slit, and he whimpered with agonising longing.

All of a sudden he grabbed her wrist, probably to prevent her from bringing him over the edge too soon. He quickly opened his pants and determinedly sat down on his knees before her. He hoisted her massive, long skirts up and looked pleadingly at her. “Please, darling... I... Can I lick you?”

“Yes!” she gasped before Julian disappeared under her dress, pulled her underwear to the side and let his warm tongue softly glide over her swollen folds.

A weak cry escaped her lips as the shock made her legs shiver. After having Julian’s hot mouth sucking her clit and his tongue gliding in and out of her, the stimulation eventually set her off rubbing her pussy against his face as he ate her out with an incredible eagerness. He used his fingers on one hand opening her up for him to reach every bit of her. There was no way of holding back her loud cries as she felt an orgasm building up.

By the movement of his other arm she could tell he was stroking himself while pleasing her, and it almost made her jealous. But she was getting closer and closer to her own release, grinding against his face, pulling his head closer by his thick, auburn curls. She heard his weak complaints every time she pulled it a little bit more, but his tongue and hands suggested he only got more turned on by it. As she came undone she could hardly stand up due to the spasms, and she fell on her knees in front of Julian as the last shivers of her orgasm ebbed out. She cried out and reached for his neck.

“Oh, fuck me. Please fuck me. Come inside me. I need you inside me.” She pulled him closer and Julian’s grey eyes got dark with lust.

“Upstairs, my love. I’ll bring you upstairs. Okay?” With her arms and legs wrapped around his torso, he carried her effortlessly up the stairs, and although Saghira felt a certain discomfort around her rib cage, she couldn’t care less. She dug her face into his neck and kissed it like she’d done at the beach that day. He tasted musk and salt and sex – her own probably.

As he carefully sat down on the bed with Saghira in his lap, he stroke her hair and stared into her face. 

“Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

Saghira looked down between their bodies. Julian’s large member was still standing red and rigid out of his open pants, caught between his flat, hairy stomach and several layers of colourful silk skirt. 

She stared back up into his big, pale, breathtaking eyes and it was almost too much all at once. How could she ever feel worthy of keeping this man? She was so intimidated by him, and attracted to him at the same time. 

“No,” she whispered in a choked voice. “You’ve never hurt me. Ever.” 

He pulled her in for another kiss, hungry and careful at the same time. He held her head between his hands again, tasting her mouth like she was a piece of sweet fruit. Overwhelmed by her inner struggles Saghira couldn’t stop herself from weeping quietly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

She was scared again. Scared she’d passed the point of no return, where the brief happiness of being loved and adored for a moment would cost her all the self esteem and stability she’d spent years building up under Asra’s care. 

Asra... He would be so disappointed if he saw her now.

Julian moved his mouth down to her neck, and another moan escaped his lips. His hands clutched around her thick dark hair. 

“I love you so much, Hira. I can’t believe you’re letting me have you. Please tell me if you want me to stop. I’ll stop whenever you want.”

He suddenly stiffened by the look of her face, obviously spotting the wet tracks of tears that ran down her cheeks.

“Darling, I mean that. We don’t have to do this... You’re obviously in pain,” he whispered in a concerned voice.

Saghira cut him short. “No, I’m just so happy, Juli,” she lied. “That’s all. I still want you more than anything. I promise!”

To Saghira’s despair he held his doubtful gaze at her. It suddenly reminded her of that dreadful day at the market. 

“As crazy as that sounds, I actually believe you mean it,“ Julian said calmly. “But you are _not_ okay. Why are you this scared, Saghira? Tell me what troubles you, because I... I can’t see it.” Julian swallowed. He seemed sad. “To me, you are just... the best thing that ever existed, and I can just tell that... I’m not... that... to you. You need to tell me what you’re thinking.”

Saghira was once again blown away by Julian brutal honesty. He wanted her to tell him the truth. Actually he demanded it, and he deserved it. So, what was the truth exactly?

“I do love you, Julian,” she repeated and felt her eyes tearing up again. “So much it scares me to death.” And then she started sobbing again. Gosh, if _this_ wouldn’t make him change his mind about her, nothing would.

“But why, darling?” he murmured in a clearly frustrated voice.

Saghira tried to figure out her feelings. It was so hard to put into words something that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else but her.

“I’m scared of making mistakes. Of losing my ground and not getting it back. I’m afraid you’ll take away my emotional stability... my safe place... my dignity. My self respect and... independency. I’m also scared you’ll leave me!”

The shame... Here she was, trying to make sweet love to Julian, and  basically ending up criticising him instead. How was it even possible to be this cynical and messed up? She looked up into the dark ceiling above Julian’s bed, mostly to avoid his hurt face. “I’m also afraid to upset Asra, og have people laugh at me behind my back.”

Something inside Saghira broke as she said those last lethal words, and she threw herself around Julian’s neck to keep him from pushing her away.    
  


“I’m so sorry I’m like this! You deserve so much better.” She felt instantly inconsolable with grief and guilt. 

Julian didn’t say a word, but at least he didn’t push her away. On the contrary; he stroke her back and kissed her temple.

“Saghira, I won’t take anything from you. Why would I do that? If anything I just wished I had more to offer you. In fact I want you to take anything, just anything at all, that you want from me. You would make me the happiest man if you promise me you’ll do that. I won’t ask for or expect anything in return, because I won’t need it. I only want to give you what you want. It’s a perfect match really.” He was trying to be cheerful.

An internal calmness filled her while listening to him. Her forehead rested against his shoulder, his large hand caressed the bare skin on her back. 

“What if I can’t commit to anything, Julian?”

“You aren’t committed to anything!”

He tittered softly into he ear, but she was being serious and pulled away to look him straight in the eyes.

“No, but what if you get tired of me? I’m so tiresome and complicated...”

“What would you want me to do if I get tired of you.”

Saghira paused. 

“I would want you to tell me.”

“Then I will.” Julian shrugged.

Saghira looked even closer at Julian to check just how serious he really was.

“I’m going to be jealous and critical and scared and...”

“I know,” Julian interrupted. “Again; what do you want me to do about it?”

Saghira felt her throat clench. “I want you to please ignore it and love me no matter what. Because I won’t intend to be a bitch. That will be me just getting scared.”

“Okay, I’ll remember that. That’s actually good to know. So when you ask me to go to hell for instance, I’m not literally going to do that.”

Saghira snorted through her tears. 

“As long as you speak the truth, Saghira, this is not going to be complicated. Do you see that?”

“Asra will be a problem. Sorry, but he’s not going to think this is a good idea.”

“Really?” Julian frowned. “Well, he doesn’t need to be in this relationship if he doesn’t want to. I know I’ll be fine without him.”

Saghira giggled. “No! But you know. He’s like an overprotective brother to me.”

“So, again, what do you want?”

“I want his approval!”

“I see. I guess you’ll have to choose then.”

“Between what?”

“Between following his sense of what’s best for you, or following your own sense. You need to decide. But if he loves you, he will respect whatever you choose.”

Saghira looked at Julian with big eyes. This was it. This was just it! Julian was right! Part of what made her so insecure was her own perception of being unable to make wise decisions, and therefore listening to Asra. And Asra was always so certain of what to do. Which was good! Wasn’t it?

“If you think we shouldn’t be together because you trust Asra’s option in that matter, I’ll respect that. I promise.”

Saghira couldn’t laugh anymore. The subject was too grave. 

“Julian, do you think we used to be... lovers, before our memory loss?”

Julian looked down and shook his head. 

“I don’t know. I can’t see how I could have been around you and _not_ loved you. I have a feeling I hurt you though. Sometimes when I look at you I get overwhelmed with guilt and regret. It’s... very difficult to deal with. I only wish I knew what I did.”

She crept into Julian’s arms again seeking warmth and comfort. Now she knew Julian knew what Asra knew, and Julian _did_ care and regret that she once got hurt.

“Maybe I’m cursed to love you for my misdoings?” Julian was joking, and it made her smile. Even reassured her. Yeah, maybe Julian was cursed to love her? Wouldn’t that be perfect? In that case, trusting his feelings wouldn’t feel like such an insane leap of faith.

“What do you want, Hira? Do you want to get dressed? Have coffee? I don’t know...”

Saghira had forgotten that Julian still had his pants open, and that he’d been ready for something completely different a few moments ago.

She sat up and discreetly checked his lap between them. All she could see now were layers of her silk skirts. 

“No, I don’t want coffee,” she whispered pensively. 

Then she got up on her knees, leaned in and kissed him carefully, as if it was their first. So much affection was put into it, she only hoped it would tell him what she failed to put in words. “I don’t deserve you, Juli. But I want you so much I...”

“Shhhh, don’t say more, my darling,” Julian whispered, and kissed her deeper. Holding on to her nape, cocking his head, opening his mouth, teasing hers with his tongue. “No more words. Just show me. Show me what you want, gorgeous.”

An explosive heat spread inside Saghira, making her whimper. She kissed him back with wild passion, rocking her hips into the empty space between them, moaning with lust. 

Julian’s hands held on to her sides, and she forced them off in order to pull her top down. She grabbed her own naked breasts and caressed them, before guiding Julian’s head towards her chest, braiding her fingers into his thick curls. The soothing feeling of his warm, wet mouth around her nipple, his tongue playing with it, sucking it... It instantly made her warm and tingly between her thighs. She pressed herself against him, still rocking her hips out of control. Another frustrated cry burst out of her .

Once again she almost collapsed onto his lap , making his mouth slide off her nipple, and she dug her face into his warm, musk scented neck. Once again she covered the skin on his neck muscle with her mouth, tasting it, moving her mouth along it, carefully biting into it. A lustful groan slipped out of Julian, and he moved his hands along her thighs and towards her arse. He then grabbed it rather hard and pulled her closer to his crotch, bucking forcefully into her. The deep, hoarse sounds from his throat continued to stir her on.

“Those bloody skirts...” she complained, but Julian shut her up with his mouth, tugging on her skirts to get to her soft, wet entrance. Soon enough she felt his hard, warm cock again her folds. With one large hand firmly underneath her butt, keeping his cock in place, he started fucking the outside of her sex until she could both hear and feel the wetness building up. She quickly took control over the movement, riding the length of the hard member in his hand with long, frantic moves. Feeling the head of his cock stimulating everything from her rectum to her clit made her drunk with pleasure, and she continued moaning loud and rhythmically.

“Inside me, Julian... Please... I need you inside me...” 

It only took Julian a second toadjust himself, and with his fingertips he pressed the tip of his cock into her, wrapped his large arms around her waist, and pushed himself in as far as he could. 

Julian’s overwhelmed eyes stared at her with a stunning mix of fear and awe, and he could not hold back a  cry. His face twitched with pleasure. His thighs and abdomen were shivering as he pinned her to his lap, trying not to move himself. He looked as if he wanted to say something. 

Saghira whimpered, both with slight pain and arousal. He felt enormous inside her, but he was keeping her completely still in order for her to adjust to his girth. 

“I love you, Saghira,” Julian whispered. 

“I love you too,” she whispered back. 

As soon as Julian loosened his grip on her she tossed her arms around his neck and slowly tempted moving up and down his solid shaft. The stretch was still just within the limits of what was tolerable, but as long as she could be in charge of the pace it felt increasingly wonderful with every move. Too good for her to stop riding him anyway. Slick and precum was building up, gradually reducing the friction, making both their groins wet and sticky.

She could feel Julian’s hand exploring the connection between them, massaging and lubricanting her entrance and himself while slowly slipping in and out of her. She could feel his fingertips pressing against her perieum and anus, taking some of that pressure off, and it somehow triggered all the right spots at the same time.

This damn pile of skirts between them! She pulled them aside to see Julian flexing abdominal muscles and pelvis statically pushing against her to reach the very depth of her. 

Julian’s face looked absolutely drunk and feverish with emotions - and beautiful, so unearthly beautiful. He managed a swift smile before reaching for her nape again to kiss her with the usual passion and care he seemed to feel for her.

“I love you so much,” he whispered. “So, so much.”

“Ahhh, Julian. I can’t hold back any longer. I’m gonna come.”

She grabbed his hands, tilted him backwards onto the mattress, pressed both his arms above his shoulders, and while she leaned down on him with her clit rubbing against his pubic bone, his strong arms gave her just the resistance she needed to ride him without using her legs. They were already useless anyway, contracting painfully as her orgasm was building up. At one point she thought she would pass out with dizziness. She finally came with a helpless cry, feeling her whole body go limp, crashing down on Julian’s moist body. She was too exhausted to speak, and for the first time she noticed the pain around her rib cage too.

Julian was still inside her, slightly moving in and out. The wet, rhythmical movement and their breathing being the only sound in the room.

Her pulsating head was resting on his chest, and he cleared her face from sweaty strands of hair, kissing the hand he still held captured in his.

“Are you okay?”

He continued stoking her moist, sticky back, while thrusting slowly into her.

“Yes,” Saghira answered in a low voice.

He carefully rolled them over on the side, and caressed her breast with just his fingertips, bringing goosebumps to the over-sensitive, tanned skin of hers.

Her numb legs were still wrapped around his hips, and his cock was obviously not yet spent inside her. He was trying to be still, but not succeeding very well. Julian licked and bit his lip, too turned on to just lay down and rest.

“Take me, Julian. I know you want to. It’s okay.” She ruffled his wild hair. “I want you to come inside me.” Then she slid off his red, glistening erection that was still peaking out of his open pants, and laid down on her back. She wiggled out of her dress and underwear, spread her legs and grabbed Julian’s hand.

At first a deep inhale was all Julian was able to respond with. He studied her petite, naked form, and her warm, red face covered in salt from both tears and sweat. “Gods, Saghira, I don’t deserve the slightest bit of you, you know that. I just really, really want to give you whatever you want to make you happy. Do you think you could let me have a go at that?”

He pulled and kicked off his pants and laidnaked on top of her, leaning on his elbows, his forearms framing her face, showering it with lovely little pecks of affection.

When she arched up against him, he reached for his cock, steering it into her loose, pulsating channel. He slipped in with way less resistance this time, and she moaned as the sweet sensation in her core once again grabbed hold of her.

“Yes!” she panted, as a general answer to anything. He slowly pushed himself in as far as he could go, and she enveloped his lower back with her legs, pressing him even further in. 

Julian teased her mouth with his tongue, urging her to reach up for him and kiss him deeply, but he kept a certain distance, nibbling her lips, stroking his tongue along them, making her gaping like a maniac for him. The pace of his thrusting increased and he eventually hid his tense face in her hair, entangling his fingers into it, muffling his uncontrolled sounds. He was rocking them both harder and harder, faster and faster, against the mattress, making the simple metal framed bed squeak in complaint. Gosh, the size of him, both inside and outside – it was almost too much. There was so much of him, so much force, so much weight, and yet she knew he would die if he accidentally hurt her. 

“Come for me, Julian,” she pleaded into his ear, grabbing two handfuls of red curly hair, sucking and biting on his earlobe.

It instantly made Julian pound into her as if he at that moment suddenly lost that little bit of control he still had over himself, and within a few seconds he filled her up in several hard jerks, yelling out his release above her head. “Ahhh fuck! Oh gods. Hira.”

As his hisses and shivers finally ebbed out, he still made sure to hold the weight of his body on his arms and legs, not Saghira’s frail, limp body. He slowly withdrew from her, catching his breath while standing on all four over her. She felt cold from the loss of body heat.

“Hira, sweet angel. Are you really okay?” Julian was smiling, catching his breath while hovering over her. “I wanted you to come one more time, but I couldn’t contain myself. Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? I’m still one ahead of you.” She shrugged jokingly.

Julian sniggered. “Yeah, well, aren’t you always ahead of me? I’m so tired of chasing you though.”

He fell down on his side close beside her, crossing one long, hairy leg over hers, tracing her face with the index finger on his tattooed hand. 

“Just you wait until you’re fully healed. I won’t treat you this nicely, you know. I’m going to be a constant pain in the arse - and... other places - with every chance I get.” Julian mumbled hoarsely into her ear, chuckling at his own joke while kissing her jaw and neck.

Saghira turned to look at his pretty, beaming face, his playful, mismatched eyes, and his wild curls bouncing with the slightest move.

“I’m going to hold you to that threat,” she murmured affectionately, “and just so you know; I think I might already be fully healed.”


End file.
